The Yawning Lite
$29
A lanyard badge that only yawns. No shield. Pure passive aggression.
Introducing the world's first self-deploying spit awning
Say it.
Don't spray it.
The Yawning detects incoming spit, snaps a clear visor down in under 30 ms, and then yawns at whoever's talking. Protection and feedback in one move.
NEW!
< 30 msvisor deploy
10,000frames per second
70 dByawn output
0friendships survived
Meet Gary. Gary is a close-talker.
Type something for Gary to say. Every P, B and T fires a spit burst. Turn your sound on.
0 droplets blocked
Yawn pack
00 SYSTEM IDLE · awaiting close-talker
How it works
A big droplet covers 30 cm in about 30–60 ms, which is faster than you can flinch. So The Yawning deploys on the P, before the spit leaves the mouth.
- 01
Proximity arm
60 GHz mmWave radar notices someone has entered the 18-inch Danger Zone and is forming words.
mmWave radar - 02
Plosive prediction
An on-device model listens for the high-spray consonants — P, B, T and the dreaded “sp” — before they land.
Trained on 10,000 hrs of uncles at weddings - 03
Droplet confirm
An event camera tracks every droplet's speed and trajectory in flight.
10,000 fps - 04
Deploy
A clear polycarbonate visor snaps down from your brim faster than an airbag.
< 30 ms - 05
Social signal
A 2.5-second yawn plays at conversational volume. They'll get the message. Eventually.
70 dB
Pick your perimeter
The Yawning Brim
$149
Baseball cap with an awning that drops from the bill. Our bestseller.
The Yawning Collar
$219
A neck ring that deploys a full Elizabethan cone. Also stops dogs licking stitches.
The Yawning Pro
$399
A 180° dome that pops out of a backpack. Built for conferences and family reunions.
The Yawning Enterprise: outfit an entire sales floor. HR integration included. Call us (from at least six feet away).
Every model includes
Spit Log™
Tracks droplets blocked per person, plus a leaderboard of your worst offenders. Share it at Thanksgiving.
Wiper Blade
A tiny squeegee clears the visor after every deployment. Dishwasher-safe. Please wash it.
Sommelier Mode
Identifies what the talker had for lunch. Opt-in. Deeply regrettable.
Retaliation Mode
Mists a light lavender water back at them. Legal review pending in 49 states.
Customers are speechless
★★★★★
“My father-in-law hasn't spoken to me since. 10/10.”
★★★★★
“It deployed during my own wedding vows. Honestly fair.”
★★★★★
“I wear the Pro to standup every morning. We are fully remote.”
★★★★★
“Blocked 412 droplets at one book club. I haven't read the book.”
★★★★★
“The ‘Disappointed Dad’ yawn made my actual dad cry.”
★★★★★
“Finally, a hat that does something.”
Questions, asked from a safe distance
Does it work on sneezes?
No. The Yawning is rated for conversational spit only. For sneezes, please consult a wall.
Can I turn the yawn off?
Yes, but then it's just a visor, and you are just a person in a visor.
Will it deploy when I'm the one talking?
Only if you say “peppers.” We're working on it.
Is this a real product?
No. But the physics is real: ballistic speech droplets travel ~5–10 m/s, giving you about 30–60 ms at close-talker range.